Failure?

My marriage has evolved into something i can't fix. In fact, the best way i can describe it is, i am married to my favourite flatmate. One who pays all the bills.
He doesn't want to invest in the kids.
He doesn't want to participate in family activities
He is not interested in a physical relationship with me.

I'm on my own. I'm living a single parent life. Our children have issues that he has no idea about [IE: Our daughter has become lactose intolerant]
I'm living my own life with my own freinds that he wants nothing to do with.
He is quite content to sleep on the far side of the bed, Do his own thing, in his own little world, and not make any effort for something more, because he desires nothing more.
Like he just wants a wife to be there for the basics, minus sex.
He doesn't even acknowledge 'our ' song anymore!

Meanwhile, sexually, i'm a ticking time bomb! I have a very active libido. He knows that too. Sometimes i feel like he's pushing me to look elsewhere so he can justify his disinterest further, as that is what started it. I became friendly with a guy online. It wasn't anything major, but he filled a space John wasn't filling. An emotional affair? I never met the guy. And i ended the contact. But I've been paying for it ever since - over a year later. No sex. limited affection. teasing moments that go nowhere.

I have fought to make it something different - something better. And to outsiders, we have the perfect marriage. We get along great, have a great sense of humour and banter openly together like old friends. People often comment on how cute we are together.
But the reality is: I live with a flatmate who pays the bills. I guess some people would love that! And i do in some aspects. But i signed up for a marriage. I signed up for intimacy, sexual exploration together, family decisions, Planning stuff, BBQs with friends.... Growing old in each others arms.
Well at least that's what i THOUGHT i was signing up for!

Apparently i was wrong O_O

Aug 7

Things have been tough over the last few months. My attitude started slipping backwards, so of course the progress did as well. I just started feeling resentful and ripped off.

We get upset because life isn't fair when we are under the illusion that its meant to be.

So i've been trying to get back on board with feeling grateful for what i DO have, rather than what i DON'T. Because when i really think about it, I have a lot to be thankful for. Everything wrong in my marriage is fixable.
I'm trying to focus on those things. And focus on things about him personally that attract me.

I saw my surgeon and i have to lose 20 kilos before seeing him again [about 40lb]. So my diet has drastically been changing. I've lost 4 kilos in 3 weeks. I think John will make changes if he sees me make sustaining changes - rattle him out of his comfort zone.

We broke the dry spell and had the first dinky pop we've had in 13 months, last month. We were both pretty drunk and happy and it just happened. It was a quicky but it was nice.

May 22

Things have been going along quite smoothly. I feel like we are a couple again.

Although, since the last post, one of my knees [left one] has really hit the skids and I've been quite immobile. It hurts all the time but I've been trying really hard not to complain any more than i have to.

I had X-rays and i have arthritis in both knees and my left ankle, and a huge spur on my left heel. I'm surprised i can do anything! But i'm doing OK - hobbling along. I have a stationary bike that is a sitting one [like one of those green thing bikes], i dunno what its called. I've been using that to strengthen my leg muscles and support my knees better. Way to long coming. 

I asked John one night if i had become a burden, even in the slightest. He said not at all and i believe he is being sincere. 

If i were to be brutally honest, if the roles were reversed, i dunno if i'd be so lovely. I feel really shallow admitting that, but its honest, and something to work on

Overall, things are going nicely. I find that keeping the light hearted banter up, helps both of our hearts :)

May 11

Oh gee. my posts are getting further apart! I think about what i am going to say here a bit though.
Things have.... been plodding. I am struggling to keep a brave face. John annoys me, i've made that clear on here. But i'm trying to curb my reactions in every day situations. John and i have a great banter relationship. We can 'attack' each other with silly things that wont be taken personally. So i can tell him truths that he thinks is silliness. It makes it easier to make really annoying things, lighter. I'm grateful for that.
John has put on even more weight, and is very down right now. He is still lighter than me, but i dont know how to make him feel better. I just offer little solutions right now, like not eating the house out after drinking. Thats a good start.

I'd say we are not getting any closer sexually, but i think we are. Innuendos and jokes etc... I think it would only take one of us to make the first move. But we are like strangers when it comes to that moment. Which is silly, after 15 years of marriage. But it is what it is i guess.

I visited a friend this week, who suggested that i had it all. A wonderful marriage, kids, pets, life. While i took in what she she said, and was amused by the facade that was obviously presented for all to see, I saw her point. I have a lovely husband who would lay down his very life for me. Together, we have 3 wonderful children, who bless us every day. Upon reflection, i do have it good - very good! It made me think a lot about my own attitude & way of thinking.

I found out this week that i have arthritis in both knees and me left ankle. My body is finally rebelling after 20+ years of weight abuse. Even though i am having gastric bypass surgery at Christmas, i'm going to HAVE to find ways to relieve pressure now. My body seems to be falling apart, and all at once. I don't know how deteriorated i'll be by Christmas, so i have to do something - anything - now!

April 25

A bit has happened since my last post. John was a little excited about having a yummy lunch made for him. That was cute.
He told us he was planning a surprise family day last weekend. I was really impressed by that! BUT we didnt do it. The plan was to take us to a river/cave area and have a BBQ lunch. But it was the Easter weekend - and in Australia, that's when people get their last camping trip in before the cold hits. I told him we'd have to leave early, to get there for a 10am brunch, just to secure a BBQ.... Then we slept in. I told him it was a super lovely idea that i appreciated [and i did/do. More than he can know!] But let's stay home rather than rush and more than likely miss out, and have a nice BBQ at home. He liked that idea... phew.

We have had the biggest argument we've ever had. He insinuated that i just sat around eating crap all day, despite the fact that i spend most days with him.. A combination of me knowing that i'm really trying to make home better for him, and moving more to feel better - hurt and anger all brewed up and i went mad. Even throwing my drink at him, something i've never done or wanted to. He back pedaled but mostly i calmed down because i told myself it didn't matter what he thinks. I know the truth of what i do/eat each day. If he doesn't notice the changes in me or my habits, i cant do anything about that.
I need my marriage to work, and i accept that it\s me making the changes as a whole. I need to focus on that and keep accepting it for now.

April 14

I held Johns hand one night. I love his hands - they are like baseball mitts. I didn't realise how long it had been since i held his hand and looked at it. He's grown spots, like liver spots or something. How can it have been that long?
He noticed me looking and pulled his hand away, self consciously. It's bad when new things happen to our bodies as we get older, and the affection has been so lapse, that we don't notice, or we get embarrassed by it.

Over the weekend, i cleaned up our back porch of clutter, with the exception of a box of toys that need to be cleaned before coming back in the house. It looks lovely out there now. A nice place to sit.

Last night Jason had a friend over. There was a huge amount of washing on one lounge [where we sit during dinner] , so instead of moving it, i set up the little 2 seater table in the kitchen for a romantic candle lit dinner for John and I. He didn't even notice that i'd gone a step further with table preparation at first. Normally i might have taken offence to that. But i didn't - i let it slide - and just acted like normal when he did notice. And punched him in the bum with an "Óh you!"

Tonight he will be working night shift. I used to make his work lunches. But somewhere over time i stopped. I used to leave little lovey notes in his lunch box occasionally for him to find. He started just discarding them - as if he'd grown bored of them, and that cut me deep. I stopped writing the notes, stopped making nice lunches, then just stopped making the lunches altogether.
Today i decided to make his lunch - a nice lunch. And i'll do it regularly again.  But it will be a while before i stick another note it in.

I asked him last night if he felt his depression subsiding a bit. He said he had noticed, but it spirals. Right now it just happens to be at the top. I guess it's too early for me to take some credit for changing things.

April 8

Today was real nice. I got stuff done - cleaning, sorting, creating, and playing. John mowed the lawn [it's a BIG lawn!] and he made burgers for dinner. He was a bit playful today. I was hanging out washing and he snuck up on me from behind, naked lol It's been a long time since he played like that. Simple, but it means a lot to me when he is playful, in anyway.

I dunno where they stopped, but John lost his manners over the years. He burps and farts, and makes a scene when he does, like its a sport. A dirty, disgusting sport. And i have to say, that has made him quite unattractive to me! I mean, i appreciate toilet humour, and a funny sounding fart is funny. But to lift your leg, and go red in the face while you force it out, possibly shart, then laugh at the stench? [even during meals] That''s not funny at all. And the boys are following suit, where they always used their manners before.
Well, since starting this blog, i've asked John to use his manners and say 'Parden me" after farting or burping. He's doing that, reluctantly. It's not so funny to cock your leg and make a scene, if you know you're expected to use your manners afterwards. He laughs as he says it. I dont know weather he's mocking or embarrassed. I dont get why its amusing to use manners. But he's using them, and thats what matters. I appreciate it a lot!
No one likes to live with a pig.