I have been sick over the past few days. All my clutter clearing? I watched it creep back. I have taught my kids well, apparently.
I can't wait to feel better and do some stuff. Although i have realised something over the time of starting this blog - i have more energy at night, so maybe i should do housework stuff after dinner. That's not very conventional, but neither am i.
John is still sick, but still working. The more he works, the longer he stays sick. It sucks.
He has been showing me affection while we watch tele. I notice, and it's nice. We have 2 couches, and i didn't realise that over time, he sits on one and i sit on the other. I used to sit next to him, and i cant remember why i moved. Maybe to be closer to the phone charger? I dunno, but in hind sight, it just created one more wedge between us. Last night i sat next to him.
Talking to my daughter about relationship stuff today, i realised something. God has told me for years that i need to do what i'm doing now [but not quite this extent], but i was proud, and chose to be a Jonah. Jonah ended up doing what he was told, and his life got better.
Sunday, April 6, 2014
Thursday, April 3, 2014
April 3 - Day... Dunno
John hadn't had a drink since we talked on that day about how we got like this - until last night.
Maybe he didn't realise how badly drinking effected his health until he verbalized it to me.
I have cut back. Since starting this blog, i've drank 3 nights, and 2 of them were only a few. I thought i was doing really good. But then yesterday, John had a crack at me about still drinking..... I didnt say i was going to quit, just because he was. As with any habit, you have to be in the right head space. As i pointed out to him, he quit smoking about 5-6 years after i did [maybe longer]. Because he had to be in the right place, mentally. And that was 50 a day, not 4-8 every few days. But i did agree to only drink when he's on night shift, to make it easier. That's fair.
We went to the movies and then to the park for a picnic together. That was nice. We had banter and silliness. And for a moment, it was perfect.
Then he came home and opened a letter from a solicitor, saying we were $3.000 behind on the mortgage - pay it by May or get out. I don't know how the heck it got to that far behind, but i guess that's the cost of having sand in your hair! I dunno what we are going to do. but we always pull through somehow.
I have been making a REAL attempt with the clutter. Chucking stuff, selling stuff, tidying stuff. I have a lot of stuff. Important stuff about nothing in particular. Stuff that doesn't have a place. Like spare pillows of a set, or newspaper keepsakes of 9/11, toys i know the kids will want to play with again one day, like Lego. I wish so much that i was savvy with this stuff!
I think it's an A.D.D problem too. I like textures and visual things. I find it hard to throw those things out too. In fact, i have a few things that have no use what so ever to me, but i keep them because i really enjoy how they look or feel. The thought of giving up those things isnt appealing at all, but they dont have a place.
Well we might be living under a bridge soon, so we wont have any clutter to worry about!
Maybe he didn't realise how badly drinking effected his health until he verbalized it to me.
I have cut back. Since starting this blog, i've drank 3 nights, and 2 of them were only a few. I thought i was doing really good. But then yesterday, John had a crack at me about still drinking..... I didnt say i was going to quit, just because he was. As with any habit, you have to be in the right head space. As i pointed out to him, he quit smoking about 5-6 years after i did [maybe longer]. Because he had to be in the right place, mentally. And that was 50 a day, not 4-8 every few days. But i did agree to only drink when he's on night shift, to make it easier. That's fair.
We went to the movies and then to the park for a picnic together. That was nice. We had banter and silliness. And for a moment, it was perfect.
Then he came home and opened a letter from a solicitor, saying we were $3.000 behind on the mortgage - pay it by May or get out. I don't know how the heck it got to that far behind, but i guess that's the cost of having sand in your hair! I dunno what we are going to do. but we always pull through somehow.
I have been making a REAL attempt with the clutter. Chucking stuff, selling stuff, tidying stuff. I have a lot of stuff. Important stuff about nothing in particular. Stuff that doesn't have a place. Like spare pillows of a set, or newspaper keepsakes of 9/11, toys i know the kids will want to play with again one day, like Lego. I wish so much that i was savvy with this stuff!
I think it's an A.D.D problem too. I like textures and visual things. I find it hard to throw those things out too. In fact, i have a few things that have no use what so ever to me, but i keep them because i really enjoy how they look or feel. The thought of giving up those things isnt appealing at all, but they dont have a place.
Well we might be living under a bridge soon, so we wont have any clutter to worry about!
Sunday, March 30, 2014
March 30 - Day 8
All my boys have been really sick this week. So progress has all been me. I have made an attempt with the clutter, and i have a realistic list of stuff that should be done everyday, that i'm going to try to adhere too.
I found myself a casual job, babysitting someones 4 kids from 6am to 9am - when i take them to school. It's only something little, but it's something and something is good.
As i was getting ready to go and be interviewed by the mum, i looked at my reflection in the mirror - Really looked - I haven't done that for a while. The thought crossed my mind that there comes a point when you can no longer polish a turd. It didn't matter what make up i put on, or how nice the clothes were that i put on. I'm fat and unattractive - a LOT worse looking than i had thought when i was avoiding mirrors. Not a good feeling to go to a job interview with. Even though i am going for weight loss surgery at Christmas, i don't think it would hurt to make more effort to be healthy now. I have been making more effort with my appearance since starting this blog. Small things & baby steps
I've asked John to at least say 'Pardon me" after farting, so he acknowledges that manners matter. Because they do, and it matters to me
I found myself a casual job, babysitting someones 4 kids from 6am to 9am - when i take them to school. It's only something little, but it's something and something is good.
As i was getting ready to go and be interviewed by the mum, i looked at my reflection in the mirror - Really looked - I haven't done that for a while. The thought crossed my mind that there comes a point when you can no longer polish a turd. It didn't matter what make up i put on, or how nice the clothes were that i put on. I'm fat and unattractive - a LOT worse looking than i had thought when i was avoiding mirrors. Not a good feeling to go to a job interview with. Even though i am going for weight loss surgery at Christmas, i don't think it would hurt to make more effort to be healthy now. I have been making more effort with my appearance since starting this blog. Small things & baby steps
I've asked John to at least say 'Pardon me" after farting, so he acknowledges that manners matter. Because they do, and it matters to me
Tuesday, March 25, 2014
March 25 - Day 3
Yesterday i sat John down and asked how it got to this? We decided that neither of our standards were very high in the other. We didn't expect anything other than what we were. But because of each of ours mental state, as one slipped on something [I.E dressing nicely, or taking care of the house], it kinda gave permission for the other to slip a tad lower.
I want to change things, John wants to want to. I'm going to have to carry him for a while.
He is negative and somewhat draining. I don't think I've done him any favors by thinking i'm being a good wife and listening to his moans and woes when in excess. SO, I've decided to try and make light of things. Banter with him a bit. I'll have to pick wisely what i banter about, because some things really matter - like if he's had a crap day at work and needs to vent. But i guess i could listen, nod in all the right places, then when he's finished, make a lighthearted comment.
He complains about feeling sick ALL the time. It's always one thing or another. It drives me nuts! I'm going to have to work on dealing with that with some kind of humor. Just not sure how yet. It's hard to appear jovial when you're actually annoyed.
He made comments about my clutter, and the fact that i laugh it off. He doesn't want to seem pushy by complaining about the clutter. I think he thinks its a battle best left, as he knows i struggle with it. But he hates it. He doesn't want people to come to the house, and rightfully so, really.
I don't know how to deal with clutter. Even as a child i was a clutter bug. I can't throw useful stuff out. I had a clean out once, then needed some of it. I think of that whenever i think of throwing things out.
I laugh it all off and make light of it. But really, its a problem & we both feel it. I think it may even compound his depression as well as mine. So i'm going to make a REAL effort to chuck stuff. I have been listing things to sell and give away on some local facebook trading pages. Thats a bit slow though. I'll work it out.
If we have bills we cant pay, John just sticks his head in the sand and pretends its not happening [compounding the depression further]. I kinda stick my head in the sand about him sticking his head in the sand, coz it means more drinking dates :o/ I'm encouraging him to call the people we owe. I don't want to nag. Neither does he and that's half our problem. Sometimes a good nag is needed! And responding to it is needed too. for 2 days I've been trying to get him to call our mortgage people.
I'm trying to show more affection, and so is he :o)
I want to change things, John wants to want to. I'm going to have to carry him for a while.
He is negative and somewhat draining. I don't think I've done him any favors by thinking i'm being a good wife and listening to his moans and woes when in excess. SO, I've decided to try and make light of things. Banter with him a bit. I'll have to pick wisely what i banter about, because some things really matter - like if he's had a crap day at work and needs to vent. But i guess i could listen, nod in all the right places, then when he's finished, make a lighthearted comment.
He complains about feeling sick ALL the time. It's always one thing or another. It drives me nuts! I'm going to have to work on dealing with that with some kind of humor. Just not sure how yet. It's hard to appear jovial when you're actually annoyed.
He made comments about my clutter, and the fact that i laugh it off. He doesn't want to seem pushy by complaining about the clutter. I think he thinks its a battle best left, as he knows i struggle with it. But he hates it. He doesn't want people to come to the house, and rightfully so, really.
I don't know how to deal with clutter. Even as a child i was a clutter bug. I can't throw useful stuff out. I had a clean out once, then needed some of it. I think of that whenever i think of throwing things out.
I laugh it all off and make light of it. But really, its a problem & we both feel it. I think it may even compound his depression as well as mine. So i'm going to make a REAL effort to chuck stuff. I have been listing things to sell and give away on some local facebook trading pages. Thats a bit slow though. I'll work it out.
If we have bills we cant pay, John just sticks his head in the sand and pretends its not happening [compounding the depression further]. I kinda stick my head in the sand about him sticking his head in the sand, coz it means more drinking dates :o/ I'm encouraging him to call the people we owe. I don't want to nag. Neither does he and that's half our problem. Sometimes a good nag is needed! And responding to it is needed too. for 2 days I've been trying to get him to call our mortgage people.
I'm trying to show more affection, and so is he :o)
Sunday, March 23, 2014
Day One - Sunday March 23
My marriage/family life is in serious trouble.
My name is Sharron. I myself weigh over 400lbs. I am preparing to have weight loss surgery at Christmas. This weight problem has come from a regular binge drinking problem [pre mixed cans] and poor eating choices, stemming from not being able to find work [we live in a one factory town], boredom, and lack of activity due to dodgy knees and a sore back [from the weight] so i eat easy, convenient crap. I have bi-polar and A.D.D. Though medicated. My bad habits consume a lot of money that we dont have.
I dont take care/pride in myself half as much as i probably should.
I have 3 +* awesome kids. Rose - 17. Jason - 14 [Autistic] and DJ - almost 4. *Then there is Alix. She is 21 and chooses not to have us in her lives. She lives in another state, and has done since she was 14 [long story] She came home to give birth to DJ when she was 17. She left him here and wend back to her old life.
I want to live life, but my weight issues stop a lot of stuff. I spend time with the kids though. We go places, and i get creative in working around my ailments, such as play centres and parks etc. I'd like to go camping or exploring etc but i'm the only one interested.
I am the clutter queen! I just dont see it, but everyone else does. Our house isn't dirty, but its messy.
My husband, Johns story. He is my second husband, and dad to Jason [Though we have been together since Rose was one].
Since being together, he has slowly gained weight, untill he too is now around 400lb. He is depressed -VERY depressed. He drinks a lot too, but his drinking brings health issues. He drinks, then binges on food [bad food], then vomits violently and gets bad indigestion for ages [sometimes days]He also gets the runs and messes himself a bit. Then he goes into a shit sleep, wakes up the next day feeling a physical wreck, sits around or sleeps on the couch till he can drink again. He drinks to feel better about how he feels about himself. He works in a factory, 3-4 days a week. 12hr shifts
Our combined drinking creates problems with paying our large bills. Though he doesn't tell me he's cut into the bill money until we've drunk half of it. I'd like to blame him for that, but deep down i know we are drinking bill money.
It's a vicious cycle. We cant stop without the other, and yet we bait each other. I have tried AA meetings. But they did nothing for me.
Neither of us get mean when we drink. I think i'm funny, and john goes to sleep.
Then there is the kids. They are growing up and will soon be leaving home, one by one. I LIVE for my kids. All my other choices are based around them. I would do anything for my kids! But one of my biggest problems with John is, he doesn't spent any time with the kids and doesn't want to. He's happy to spend time with them, until he has to put effort in, or get off the couch or computer to do so. So sitting together while we have dinner, is spending time with the kids, in his eyes. Or letting them tag along when he goes to the supermarket occasionally. Never purposeful, one on one, quality time.
Then he complains that the kids are growing up so fast. I cant even put into words how much this pisses me off!
John has no passion in life. We have not been intimate at all since last July - not through lack of my trying. Things heated up for a bit, then.... nothing.. He has no interest beyond the computer or sleeping on the couch. He doesn't want to do anything or go anywhere... ever. Our house is falling apart and he has no interest in fixing it.
I just don't know how we are existing like this. Sometimes i honestly feel as though we are together because it's easier for either of us, than moving out.
Only a few short years ago, i was so in love with John. When i heard his car in the drive, my heart fluttered. His smile was like a flash of dazzle, and he made me feel like our little family was all that mattered in the world. How quickly the fairy tale fades.....
I'm a realist. I dont expect fireworks for the whole duration of a marriage. There's ups & downs, and it's even normal to not even like your partner some days.
But in order for any relationship to work, both sides have to work at it, or at least be willing. That's isnt happening here. I have even left John for a few days, to think about stuff, not knowing if i'd be back other than to get the kids. But John talked the talk and promised the right things. I came back, and he forgot everything he promised immediately. But i love John, & i'm not a quitter with people i love.
Tonight i was in the bath, and i got the idea that, God willing, I can change all this. I've always known i was the matriarch. Everyone in the family comes to me for everything. I'm the peace keeper, decision maker etc.
I feel as if God has put it on my shoulders [with His providence] to make the changes needed. This marriage can be healed, but i have to carry John, Because John can't carry himself right now.
So i got outta the bath & started this blog.
This is day one.
Tomorrow is the beginning of a new marriage.
My name is Sharron. I myself weigh over 400lbs. I am preparing to have weight loss surgery at Christmas. This weight problem has come from a regular binge drinking problem [pre mixed cans] and poor eating choices, stemming from not being able to find work [we live in a one factory town], boredom, and lack of activity due to dodgy knees and a sore back [from the weight] so i eat easy, convenient crap. I have bi-polar and A.D.D. Though medicated. My bad habits consume a lot of money that we dont have.
I dont take care/pride in myself half as much as i probably should.
I have 3 +* awesome kids. Rose - 17. Jason - 14 [Autistic] and DJ - almost 4. *Then there is Alix. She is 21 and chooses not to have us in her lives. She lives in another state, and has done since she was 14 [long story] She came home to give birth to DJ when she was 17. She left him here and wend back to her old life.
I want to live life, but my weight issues stop a lot of stuff. I spend time with the kids though. We go places, and i get creative in working around my ailments, such as play centres and parks etc. I'd like to go camping or exploring etc but i'm the only one interested.
I am the clutter queen! I just dont see it, but everyone else does. Our house isn't dirty, but its messy.
My husband, Johns story. He is my second husband, and dad to Jason [Though we have been together since Rose was one].
Since being together, he has slowly gained weight, untill he too is now around 400lb. He is depressed -VERY depressed. He drinks a lot too, but his drinking brings health issues. He drinks, then binges on food [bad food], then vomits violently and gets bad indigestion for ages [sometimes days]He also gets the runs and messes himself a bit. Then he goes into a shit sleep, wakes up the next day feeling a physical wreck, sits around or sleeps on the couch till he can drink again. He drinks to feel better about how he feels about himself. He works in a factory, 3-4 days a week. 12hr shifts
Our combined drinking creates problems with paying our large bills. Though he doesn't tell me he's cut into the bill money until we've drunk half of it. I'd like to blame him for that, but deep down i know we are drinking bill money.
It's a vicious cycle. We cant stop without the other, and yet we bait each other. I have tried AA meetings. But they did nothing for me.
Neither of us get mean when we drink. I think i'm funny, and john goes to sleep.
Then there is the kids. They are growing up and will soon be leaving home, one by one. I LIVE for my kids. All my other choices are based around them. I would do anything for my kids! But one of my biggest problems with John is, he doesn't spent any time with the kids and doesn't want to. He's happy to spend time with them, until he has to put effort in, or get off the couch or computer to do so. So sitting together while we have dinner, is spending time with the kids, in his eyes. Or letting them tag along when he goes to the supermarket occasionally. Never purposeful, one on one, quality time.
Then he complains that the kids are growing up so fast. I cant even put into words how much this pisses me off!
John has no passion in life. We have not been intimate at all since last July - not through lack of my trying. Things heated up for a bit, then.... nothing.. He has no interest beyond the computer or sleeping on the couch. He doesn't want to do anything or go anywhere... ever. Our house is falling apart and he has no interest in fixing it.
I just don't know how we are existing like this. Sometimes i honestly feel as though we are together because it's easier for either of us, than moving out.
Only a few short years ago, i was so in love with John. When i heard his car in the drive, my heart fluttered. His smile was like a flash of dazzle, and he made me feel like our little family was all that mattered in the world. How quickly the fairy tale fades.....
I'm a realist. I dont expect fireworks for the whole duration of a marriage. There's ups & downs, and it's even normal to not even like your partner some days.
But in order for any relationship to work, both sides have to work at it, or at least be willing. That's isnt happening here. I have even left John for a few days, to think about stuff, not knowing if i'd be back other than to get the kids. But John talked the talk and promised the right things. I came back, and he forgot everything he promised immediately. But i love John, & i'm not a quitter with people i love.
Tonight i was in the bath, and i got the idea that, God willing, I can change all this. I've always known i was the matriarch. Everyone in the family comes to me for everything. I'm the peace keeper, decision maker etc.
I feel as if God has put it on my shoulders [with His providence] to make the changes needed. This marriage can be healed, but i have to carry John, Because John can't carry himself right now.
So i got outta the bath & started this blog.
This is day one.
Tomorrow is the beginning of a new marriage.
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