My marriage/family life is in serious trouble.
My name is Sharron. I myself weigh over 400lbs. I am preparing to have weight loss surgery at Christmas. This weight problem has come from a regular binge drinking problem [pre mixed cans] and poor eating choices, stemming from not being able to find work [we live in a one factory town], boredom, and lack of activity due to dodgy knees and a sore back [from the weight] so i eat easy, convenient crap. I have bi-polar and A.D.D. Though medicated. My bad habits consume a lot of money that we dont have.
I dont take care/pride in myself half as much as i probably should.
I have 3 +* awesome kids. Rose - 17. Jason - 14 [Autistic] and DJ - almost 4. *Then there is Alix. She is 21 and chooses not to have us in her lives. She lives in another state, and has done since she was 14 [long story] She came home to give birth to DJ when she was 17. She left him here and wend back to her old life.
I want to live life, but my weight issues stop a lot of stuff. I spend time with the kids though. We go places, and i get creative in working around my ailments, such as play centres and parks etc. I'd like to go camping or exploring etc but i'm the only one interested.
I am the clutter queen! I just dont see it, but everyone else does. Our house isn't dirty, but its messy.
My husband, Johns story. He is my second husband, and dad to Jason [Though we have been together since Rose was one].
Since being together, he has slowly gained weight, untill he too is now around 400lb. He is depressed -VERY depressed. He drinks a lot too, but his drinking brings health issues. He drinks, then binges on food [bad food], then vomits violently and gets bad indigestion for ages [sometimes days]He also gets the runs and messes himself a bit. Then he goes into a shit sleep, wakes up the next day feeling a physical wreck, sits around or sleeps on the couch till he can drink again. He drinks to feel better about how he feels about himself. He works in a factory, 3-4 days a week. 12hr shifts
Our combined drinking creates problems with paying our large bills. Though he doesn't tell me he's cut into the bill money until we've drunk half of it. I'd like to blame him for that, but deep down i know we are drinking bill money.
It's a vicious cycle. We cant stop without the other, and yet we bait each other. I have tried AA meetings. But they did nothing for me.
Neither of us get mean when we drink. I think i'm funny, and john goes to sleep.
Then there is the kids. They are growing up and will soon be leaving home, one by one. I LIVE for my kids. All my other choices are based around them. I would do anything for my kids! But one of my biggest problems with John is, he doesn't spent any time with the kids and doesn't want to. He's happy to spend time with them, until he has to put effort in, or get off the couch or computer to do so. So sitting together while we have dinner, is spending time with the kids, in his eyes. Or letting them tag along when he goes to the supermarket occasionally. Never purposeful, one on one, quality time.
Then he complains that the kids are growing up so fast. I cant even put into words how much this pisses me off!
John has no passion in life. We have not been intimate at all since last July - not through lack of my trying. Things heated up for a bit, then.... nothing.. He has no interest beyond the computer or sleeping on the couch. He doesn't want to do anything or go anywhere... ever. Our house is falling apart and he has no interest in fixing it.
I just don't know how we are existing like this. Sometimes i honestly feel as though we are together because it's easier for either of us, than moving out.
Only a few short years ago, i was so in love with John. When i heard his car in the drive, my heart fluttered. His smile was like a flash of dazzle, and he made me feel like our little family was all that mattered in the world. How quickly the fairy tale fades.....
I'm a realist. I dont expect fireworks for the whole duration of a marriage. There's ups & downs, and it's even normal to not even like your partner some days.
But in order for any relationship to work, both sides have to work at it, or at least be willing. That's isnt happening here. I have even left John for a few days, to think about stuff, not knowing if i'd be back other than to get the kids. But John talked the talk and promised the right things. I came back, and he forgot everything he promised immediately. But i love John, & i'm not a quitter with people i love.
Tonight i was in the bath, and i got the idea that, God willing, I can change all this. I've always known i was the matriarch. Everyone in the family comes to me for everything. I'm the peace keeper, decision maker etc.
I feel as if God has put it on my shoulders [with His providence] to make the changes needed. This marriage can be healed, but i have to carry John, Because John can't carry himself right now.
So i got outta the bath & started this blog.
This is day one.
Tomorrow is the beginning of a new marriage.
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