My marriage has evolved into something i can't fix. In fact, the best way i can describe it is, i am married to my favourite flatmate. One who pays all the bills.
He doesn't want to invest in the kids.
He doesn't want to participate in family activities
He is not interested in a physical relationship with me.
I'm on my own. I'm living a single parent life. Our children have issues that he has no idea about [IE: Our daughter has become lactose intolerant]
I'm living my own life with my own freinds that he wants nothing to do with.
He is quite content to sleep on the far side of the bed, Do his own thing, in his own little world, and not make any effort for something more, because he desires nothing more.
Like he just wants a wife to be there for the basics, minus sex.
He doesn't even acknowledge 'our ' song anymore!
Meanwhile, sexually, i'm a ticking time bomb! I have a very active libido. He knows that too. Sometimes i feel like he's pushing me to look elsewhere so he can justify his disinterest further, as that is what started it. I became friendly with a guy online. It wasn't anything major, but he filled a space John wasn't filling. An emotional affair? I never met the guy. And i ended the contact. But I've been paying for it ever since - over a year later. No sex. limited affection. teasing moments that go nowhere.
I have fought to make it something different - something better. And to outsiders, we have the perfect marriage. We get along great, have a great sense of humour and banter openly together like old friends. People often comment on how cute we are together.
But the reality is: I live with a flatmate who pays the bills. I guess some people would love that! And i do in some aspects. But i signed up for a marriage. I signed up for intimacy, sexual exploration together, family decisions, Planning stuff, BBQs with friends.... Growing old in each others arms.
Well at least that's what i THOUGHT i was signing up for!
Apparently i was wrong O_O
Wednesday, November 5, 2014
Thursday, August 7, 2014
Aug 7
Things have been tough over the last few months. My attitude started slipping backwards, so of course the progress did as well. I just started feeling resentful and ripped off.
We get upset because life isn't fair when we are under the illusion that its meant to be.
So i've been trying to get back on board with feeling grateful for what i DO have, rather than what i DON'T. Because when i really think about it, I have a lot to be thankful for. Everything wrong in my marriage is fixable.
I'm trying to focus on those things. And focus on things about him personally that attract me.
I saw my surgeon and i have to lose 20 kilos before seeing him again [about 40lb]. So my diet has drastically been changing. I've lost 4 kilos in 3 weeks. I think John will make changes if he sees me make sustaining changes - rattle him out of his comfort zone.
We broke the dry spell and had the first dinky pop we've had in 13 months, last month. We were both pretty drunk and happy and it just happened. It was a quicky but it was nice.
We get upset because life isn't fair when we are under the illusion that its meant to be.
So i've been trying to get back on board with feeling grateful for what i DO have, rather than what i DON'T. Because when i really think about it, I have a lot to be thankful for. Everything wrong in my marriage is fixable.
I'm trying to focus on those things. And focus on things about him personally that attract me.
I saw my surgeon and i have to lose 20 kilos before seeing him again [about 40lb]. So my diet has drastically been changing. I've lost 4 kilos in 3 weeks. I think John will make changes if he sees me make sustaining changes - rattle him out of his comfort zone.
We broke the dry spell and had the first dinky pop we've had in 13 months, last month. We were both pretty drunk and happy and it just happened. It was a quicky but it was nice.
Thursday, May 22, 2014
May 22
Things have been going along quite smoothly. I feel like we are a couple again.
Although, since the last post, one of my knees [left one] has really hit the skids and I've been quite immobile. It hurts all the time but I've been trying really hard not to complain any more than i have to.
I had X-rays and i have arthritis in both knees and my left ankle, and a huge spur on my left heel. I'm surprised i can do anything! But i'm doing OK - hobbling along. I have a stationary bike that is a sitting one [like one of those green thing bikes], i dunno what its called. I've been using that to strengthen my leg muscles and support my knees better. Way to long coming.
I asked John one night if i had become a burden, even in the slightest. He said not at all and i believe he is being sincere.
If i were to be brutally honest, if the roles were reversed, i dunno if i'd be so lovely. I feel really shallow admitting that, but its honest, and something to work on
Overall, things are going nicely. I find that keeping the light hearted banter up, helps both of our hearts :)
Sunday, May 11, 2014
May 11
Oh gee. my posts are getting further apart! I think about what i am going to say here a bit though.
Things have.... been plodding. I am struggling to keep a brave face. John annoys me, i've made that clear on here. But i'm trying to curb my reactions in every day situations. John and i have a great banter relationship. We can 'attack' each other with silly things that wont be taken personally. So i can tell him truths that he thinks is silliness. It makes it easier to make really annoying things, lighter. I'm grateful for that.
John has put on even more weight, and is very down right now. He is still lighter than me, but i dont know how to make him feel better. I just offer little solutions right now, like not eating the house out after drinking. Thats a good start.
I'd say we are not getting any closer sexually, but i think we are. Innuendos and jokes etc... I think it would only take one of us to make the first move. But we are like strangers when it comes to that moment. Which is silly, after 15 years of marriage. But it is what it is i guess.
I visited a friend this week, who suggested that i had it all. A wonderful marriage, kids, pets, life. While i took in what she she said, and was amused by the facade that was obviously presented for all to see, I saw her point. I have a lovely husband who would lay down his very life for me. Together, we have 3 wonderful children, who bless us every day. Upon reflection, i do have it good - very good! It made me think a lot about my own attitude & way of thinking.
I found out this week that i have arthritis in both knees and me left ankle. My body is finally rebelling after 20+ years of weight abuse. Even though i am having gastric bypass surgery at Christmas, i'm going to HAVE to find ways to relieve pressure now. My body seems to be falling apart, and all at once. I don't know how deteriorated i'll be by Christmas, so i have to do something - anything - now!
Things have.... been plodding. I am struggling to keep a brave face. John annoys me, i've made that clear on here. But i'm trying to curb my reactions in every day situations. John and i have a great banter relationship. We can 'attack' each other with silly things that wont be taken personally. So i can tell him truths that he thinks is silliness. It makes it easier to make really annoying things, lighter. I'm grateful for that.
John has put on even more weight, and is very down right now. He is still lighter than me, but i dont know how to make him feel better. I just offer little solutions right now, like not eating the house out after drinking. Thats a good start.
I'd say we are not getting any closer sexually, but i think we are. Innuendos and jokes etc... I think it would only take one of us to make the first move. But we are like strangers when it comes to that moment. Which is silly, after 15 years of marriage. But it is what it is i guess.
I visited a friend this week, who suggested that i had it all. A wonderful marriage, kids, pets, life. While i took in what she she said, and was amused by the facade that was obviously presented for all to see, I saw her point. I have a lovely husband who would lay down his very life for me. Together, we have 3 wonderful children, who bless us every day. Upon reflection, i do have it good - very good! It made me think a lot about my own attitude & way of thinking.
I found out this week that i have arthritis in both knees and me left ankle. My body is finally rebelling after 20+ years of weight abuse. Even though i am having gastric bypass surgery at Christmas, i'm going to HAVE to find ways to relieve pressure now. My body seems to be falling apart, and all at once. I don't know how deteriorated i'll be by Christmas, so i have to do something - anything - now!
Thursday, April 24, 2014
April 25
A bit has happened since my last post. John was a little excited about having a yummy lunch made for him. That was cute.
He told us he was planning a surprise family day last weekend. I was really impressed by that! BUT we didnt do it. The plan was to take us to a river/cave area and have a BBQ lunch. But it was the Easter weekend - and in Australia, that's when people get their last camping trip in before the cold hits. I told him we'd have to leave early, to get there for a 10am brunch, just to secure a BBQ.... Then we slept in. I told him it was a super lovely idea that i appreciated [and i did/do. More than he can know!] But let's stay home rather than rush and more than likely miss out, and have a nice BBQ at home. He liked that idea... phew.
We have had the biggest argument we've ever had. He insinuated that i just sat around eating crap all day, despite the fact that i spend most days with him.. A combination of me knowing that i'm really trying to make home better for him, and moving more to feel better - hurt and anger all brewed up and i went mad. Even throwing my drink at him, something i've never done or wanted to. He back pedaled but mostly i calmed down because i told myself it didn't matter what he thinks. I know the truth of what i do/eat each day. If he doesn't notice the changes in me or my habits, i cant do anything about that.
I need my marriage to work, and i accept that it\s me making the changes as a whole. I need to focus on that and keep accepting it for now.
He told us he was planning a surprise family day last weekend. I was really impressed by that! BUT we didnt do it. The plan was to take us to a river/cave area and have a BBQ lunch. But it was the Easter weekend - and in Australia, that's when people get their last camping trip in before the cold hits. I told him we'd have to leave early, to get there for a 10am brunch, just to secure a BBQ.... Then we slept in. I told him it was a super lovely idea that i appreciated [and i did/do. More than he can know!] But let's stay home rather than rush and more than likely miss out, and have a nice BBQ at home. He liked that idea... phew.
We have had the biggest argument we've ever had. He insinuated that i just sat around eating crap all day, despite the fact that i spend most days with him.. A combination of me knowing that i'm really trying to make home better for him, and moving more to feel better - hurt and anger all brewed up and i went mad. Even throwing my drink at him, something i've never done or wanted to. He back pedaled but mostly i calmed down because i told myself it didn't matter what he thinks. I know the truth of what i do/eat each day. If he doesn't notice the changes in me or my habits, i cant do anything about that.
I need my marriage to work, and i accept that it\s me making the changes as a whole. I need to focus on that and keep accepting it for now.
Sunday, April 13, 2014
April 14
I held Johns hand one night. I love his hands - they are like baseball mitts. I didn't realise how long it had been since i held his hand and looked at it. He's grown spots, like liver spots or something. How can it have been that long?
He noticed me looking and pulled his hand away, self consciously. It's bad when new things happen to our bodies as we get older, and the affection has been so lapse, that we don't notice, or we get embarrassed by it.
Over the weekend, i cleaned up our back porch of clutter, with the exception of a box of toys that need to be cleaned before coming back in the house. It looks lovely out there now. A nice place to sit.
Last night Jason had a friend over. There was a huge amount of washing on one lounge [where we sit during dinner] , so instead of moving it, i set up the little 2 seater table in the kitchen for a romantic candle lit dinner for John and I. He didn't even notice that i'd gone a step further with table preparation at first. Normally i might have taken offence to that. But i didn't - i let it slide - and just acted like normal when he did notice. And punched him in the bum with an "Óh you!"
Tonight he will be working night shift. I used to make his work lunches. But somewhere over time i stopped. I used to leave little lovey notes in his lunch box occasionally for him to find. He started just discarding them - as if he'd grown bored of them, and that cut me deep. I stopped writing the notes, stopped making nice lunches, then just stopped making the lunches altogether.
Today i decided to make his lunch - a nice lunch. And i'll do it regularly again. But it will be a while before i stick another note it in.
I asked him last night if he felt his depression subsiding a bit. He said he had noticed, but it spirals. Right now it just happens to be at the top. I guess it's too early for me to take some credit for changing things.
He noticed me looking and pulled his hand away, self consciously. It's bad when new things happen to our bodies as we get older, and the affection has been so lapse, that we don't notice, or we get embarrassed by it.
Over the weekend, i cleaned up our back porch of clutter, with the exception of a box of toys that need to be cleaned before coming back in the house. It looks lovely out there now. A nice place to sit.
Last night Jason had a friend over. There was a huge amount of washing on one lounge [where we sit during dinner] , so instead of moving it, i set up the little 2 seater table in the kitchen for a romantic candle lit dinner for John and I. He didn't even notice that i'd gone a step further with table preparation at first. Normally i might have taken offence to that. But i didn't - i let it slide - and just acted like normal when he did notice. And punched him in the bum with an "Óh you!"
Tonight he will be working night shift. I used to make his work lunches. But somewhere over time i stopped. I used to leave little lovey notes in his lunch box occasionally for him to find. He started just discarding them - as if he'd grown bored of them, and that cut me deep. I stopped writing the notes, stopped making nice lunches, then just stopped making the lunches altogether.
Today i decided to make his lunch - a nice lunch. And i'll do it regularly again. But it will be a while before i stick another note it in.
I asked him last night if he felt his depression subsiding a bit. He said he had noticed, but it spirals. Right now it just happens to be at the top. I guess it's too early for me to take some credit for changing things.
Tuesday, April 8, 2014
April 8
Today was real nice. I got stuff done - cleaning, sorting, creating, and playing. John mowed the lawn [it's a BIG lawn!] and he made burgers for dinner. He was a bit playful today. I was hanging out washing and he snuck up on me from behind, naked lol It's been a long time since he played like that. Simple, but it means a lot to me when he is playful, in anyway.
I dunno where they stopped, but John lost his manners over the years. He burps and farts, and makes a scene when he does, like its a sport. A dirty, disgusting sport. And i have to say, that has made him quite unattractive to me! I mean, i appreciate toilet humour, and a funny sounding fart is funny. But to lift your leg, and go red in the face while you force it out, possibly shart, then laugh at the stench? [even during meals] That''s not funny at all. And the boys are following suit, where they always used their manners before.
Well, since starting this blog, i've asked John to use his manners and say 'Parden me" after farting or burping. He's doing that, reluctantly. It's not so funny to cock your leg and make a scene, if you know you're expected to use your manners afterwards. He laughs as he says it. I dont know weather he's mocking or embarrassed. I dont get why its amusing to use manners. But he's using them, and thats what matters. I appreciate it a lot!
No one likes to live with a pig.
I dunno where they stopped, but John lost his manners over the years. He burps and farts, and makes a scene when he does, like its a sport. A dirty, disgusting sport. And i have to say, that has made him quite unattractive to me! I mean, i appreciate toilet humour, and a funny sounding fart is funny. But to lift your leg, and go red in the face while you force it out, possibly shart, then laugh at the stench? [even during meals] That''s not funny at all. And the boys are following suit, where they always used their manners before.
Well, since starting this blog, i've asked John to use his manners and say 'Parden me" after farting or burping. He's doing that, reluctantly. It's not so funny to cock your leg and make a scene, if you know you're expected to use your manners afterwards. He laughs as he says it. I dont know weather he's mocking or embarrassed. I dont get why its amusing to use manners. But he's using them, and thats what matters. I appreciate it a lot!
No one likes to live with a pig.
Sunday, April 6, 2014
April 6
I have been sick over the past few days. All my clutter clearing? I watched it creep back. I have taught my kids well, apparently.
I can't wait to feel better and do some stuff. Although i have realised something over the time of starting this blog - i have more energy at night, so maybe i should do housework stuff after dinner. That's not very conventional, but neither am i.
John is still sick, but still working. The more he works, the longer he stays sick. It sucks.
He has been showing me affection while we watch tele. I notice, and it's nice. We have 2 couches, and i didn't realise that over time, he sits on one and i sit on the other. I used to sit next to him, and i cant remember why i moved. Maybe to be closer to the phone charger? I dunno, but in hind sight, it just created one more wedge between us. Last night i sat next to him.
Talking to my daughter about relationship stuff today, i realised something. God has told me for years that i need to do what i'm doing now [but not quite this extent], but i was proud, and chose to be a Jonah. Jonah ended up doing what he was told, and his life got better.
I can't wait to feel better and do some stuff. Although i have realised something over the time of starting this blog - i have more energy at night, so maybe i should do housework stuff after dinner. That's not very conventional, but neither am i.
John is still sick, but still working. The more he works, the longer he stays sick. It sucks.
He has been showing me affection while we watch tele. I notice, and it's nice. We have 2 couches, and i didn't realise that over time, he sits on one and i sit on the other. I used to sit next to him, and i cant remember why i moved. Maybe to be closer to the phone charger? I dunno, but in hind sight, it just created one more wedge between us. Last night i sat next to him.
Talking to my daughter about relationship stuff today, i realised something. God has told me for years that i need to do what i'm doing now [but not quite this extent], but i was proud, and chose to be a Jonah. Jonah ended up doing what he was told, and his life got better.
Thursday, April 3, 2014
April 3 - Day... Dunno
John hadn't had a drink since we talked on that day about how we got like this - until last night.
Maybe he didn't realise how badly drinking effected his health until he verbalized it to me.
I have cut back. Since starting this blog, i've drank 3 nights, and 2 of them were only a few. I thought i was doing really good. But then yesterday, John had a crack at me about still drinking..... I didnt say i was going to quit, just because he was. As with any habit, you have to be in the right head space. As i pointed out to him, he quit smoking about 5-6 years after i did [maybe longer]. Because he had to be in the right place, mentally. And that was 50 a day, not 4-8 every few days. But i did agree to only drink when he's on night shift, to make it easier. That's fair.
We went to the movies and then to the park for a picnic together. That was nice. We had banter and silliness. And for a moment, it was perfect.
Then he came home and opened a letter from a solicitor, saying we were $3.000 behind on the mortgage - pay it by May or get out. I don't know how the heck it got to that far behind, but i guess that's the cost of having sand in your hair! I dunno what we are going to do. but we always pull through somehow.
I have been making a REAL attempt with the clutter. Chucking stuff, selling stuff, tidying stuff. I have a lot of stuff. Important stuff about nothing in particular. Stuff that doesn't have a place. Like spare pillows of a set, or newspaper keepsakes of 9/11, toys i know the kids will want to play with again one day, like Lego. I wish so much that i was savvy with this stuff!
I think it's an A.D.D problem too. I like textures and visual things. I find it hard to throw those things out too. In fact, i have a few things that have no use what so ever to me, but i keep them because i really enjoy how they look or feel. The thought of giving up those things isnt appealing at all, but they dont have a place.
Well we might be living under a bridge soon, so we wont have any clutter to worry about!
Maybe he didn't realise how badly drinking effected his health until he verbalized it to me.
I have cut back. Since starting this blog, i've drank 3 nights, and 2 of them were only a few. I thought i was doing really good. But then yesterday, John had a crack at me about still drinking..... I didnt say i was going to quit, just because he was. As with any habit, you have to be in the right head space. As i pointed out to him, he quit smoking about 5-6 years after i did [maybe longer]. Because he had to be in the right place, mentally. And that was 50 a day, not 4-8 every few days. But i did agree to only drink when he's on night shift, to make it easier. That's fair.
We went to the movies and then to the park for a picnic together. That was nice. We had banter and silliness. And for a moment, it was perfect.
Then he came home and opened a letter from a solicitor, saying we were $3.000 behind on the mortgage - pay it by May or get out. I don't know how the heck it got to that far behind, but i guess that's the cost of having sand in your hair! I dunno what we are going to do. but we always pull through somehow.
I have been making a REAL attempt with the clutter. Chucking stuff, selling stuff, tidying stuff. I have a lot of stuff. Important stuff about nothing in particular. Stuff that doesn't have a place. Like spare pillows of a set, or newspaper keepsakes of 9/11, toys i know the kids will want to play with again one day, like Lego. I wish so much that i was savvy with this stuff!
I think it's an A.D.D problem too. I like textures and visual things. I find it hard to throw those things out too. In fact, i have a few things that have no use what so ever to me, but i keep them because i really enjoy how they look or feel. The thought of giving up those things isnt appealing at all, but they dont have a place.
Well we might be living under a bridge soon, so we wont have any clutter to worry about!
Sunday, March 30, 2014
March 30 - Day 8
All my boys have been really sick this week. So progress has all been me. I have made an attempt with the clutter, and i have a realistic list of stuff that should be done everyday, that i'm going to try to adhere too.
I found myself a casual job, babysitting someones 4 kids from 6am to 9am - when i take them to school. It's only something little, but it's something and something is good.
As i was getting ready to go and be interviewed by the mum, i looked at my reflection in the mirror - Really looked - I haven't done that for a while. The thought crossed my mind that there comes a point when you can no longer polish a turd. It didn't matter what make up i put on, or how nice the clothes were that i put on. I'm fat and unattractive - a LOT worse looking than i had thought when i was avoiding mirrors. Not a good feeling to go to a job interview with. Even though i am going for weight loss surgery at Christmas, i don't think it would hurt to make more effort to be healthy now. I have been making more effort with my appearance since starting this blog. Small things & baby steps
I've asked John to at least say 'Pardon me" after farting, so he acknowledges that manners matter. Because they do, and it matters to me
I found myself a casual job, babysitting someones 4 kids from 6am to 9am - when i take them to school. It's only something little, but it's something and something is good.
As i was getting ready to go and be interviewed by the mum, i looked at my reflection in the mirror - Really looked - I haven't done that for a while. The thought crossed my mind that there comes a point when you can no longer polish a turd. It didn't matter what make up i put on, or how nice the clothes were that i put on. I'm fat and unattractive - a LOT worse looking than i had thought when i was avoiding mirrors. Not a good feeling to go to a job interview with. Even though i am going for weight loss surgery at Christmas, i don't think it would hurt to make more effort to be healthy now. I have been making more effort with my appearance since starting this blog. Small things & baby steps
I've asked John to at least say 'Pardon me" after farting, so he acknowledges that manners matter. Because they do, and it matters to me
Tuesday, March 25, 2014
March 25 - Day 3
Yesterday i sat John down and asked how it got to this? We decided that neither of our standards were very high in the other. We didn't expect anything other than what we were. But because of each of ours mental state, as one slipped on something [I.E dressing nicely, or taking care of the house], it kinda gave permission for the other to slip a tad lower.
I want to change things, John wants to want to. I'm going to have to carry him for a while.
He is negative and somewhat draining. I don't think I've done him any favors by thinking i'm being a good wife and listening to his moans and woes when in excess. SO, I've decided to try and make light of things. Banter with him a bit. I'll have to pick wisely what i banter about, because some things really matter - like if he's had a crap day at work and needs to vent. But i guess i could listen, nod in all the right places, then when he's finished, make a lighthearted comment.
He complains about feeling sick ALL the time. It's always one thing or another. It drives me nuts! I'm going to have to work on dealing with that with some kind of humor. Just not sure how yet. It's hard to appear jovial when you're actually annoyed.
He made comments about my clutter, and the fact that i laugh it off. He doesn't want to seem pushy by complaining about the clutter. I think he thinks its a battle best left, as he knows i struggle with it. But he hates it. He doesn't want people to come to the house, and rightfully so, really.
I don't know how to deal with clutter. Even as a child i was a clutter bug. I can't throw useful stuff out. I had a clean out once, then needed some of it. I think of that whenever i think of throwing things out.
I laugh it all off and make light of it. But really, its a problem & we both feel it. I think it may even compound his depression as well as mine. So i'm going to make a REAL effort to chuck stuff. I have been listing things to sell and give away on some local facebook trading pages. Thats a bit slow though. I'll work it out.
If we have bills we cant pay, John just sticks his head in the sand and pretends its not happening [compounding the depression further]. I kinda stick my head in the sand about him sticking his head in the sand, coz it means more drinking dates :o/ I'm encouraging him to call the people we owe. I don't want to nag. Neither does he and that's half our problem. Sometimes a good nag is needed! And responding to it is needed too. for 2 days I've been trying to get him to call our mortgage people.
I'm trying to show more affection, and so is he :o)
I want to change things, John wants to want to. I'm going to have to carry him for a while.
He is negative and somewhat draining. I don't think I've done him any favors by thinking i'm being a good wife and listening to his moans and woes when in excess. SO, I've decided to try and make light of things. Banter with him a bit. I'll have to pick wisely what i banter about, because some things really matter - like if he's had a crap day at work and needs to vent. But i guess i could listen, nod in all the right places, then when he's finished, make a lighthearted comment.
He complains about feeling sick ALL the time. It's always one thing or another. It drives me nuts! I'm going to have to work on dealing with that with some kind of humor. Just not sure how yet. It's hard to appear jovial when you're actually annoyed.
He made comments about my clutter, and the fact that i laugh it off. He doesn't want to seem pushy by complaining about the clutter. I think he thinks its a battle best left, as he knows i struggle with it. But he hates it. He doesn't want people to come to the house, and rightfully so, really.
I don't know how to deal with clutter. Even as a child i was a clutter bug. I can't throw useful stuff out. I had a clean out once, then needed some of it. I think of that whenever i think of throwing things out.
I laugh it all off and make light of it. But really, its a problem & we both feel it. I think it may even compound his depression as well as mine. So i'm going to make a REAL effort to chuck stuff. I have been listing things to sell and give away on some local facebook trading pages. Thats a bit slow though. I'll work it out.
If we have bills we cant pay, John just sticks his head in the sand and pretends its not happening [compounding the depression further]. I kinda stick my head in the sand about him sticking his head in the sand, coz it means more drinking dates :o/ I'm encouraging him to call the people we owe. I don't want to nag. Neither does he and that's half our problem. Sometimes a good nag is needed! And responding to it is needed too. for 2 days I've been trying to get him to call our mortgage people.
I'm trying to show more affection, and so is he :o)
Sunday, March 23, 2014
Day One - Sunday March 23
My marriage/family life is in serious trouble.
My name is Sharron. I myself weigh over 400lbs. I am preparing to have weight loss surgery at Christmas. This weight problem has come from a regular binge drinking problem [pre mixed cans] and poor eating choices, stemming from not being able to find work [we live in a one factory town], boredom, and lack of activity due to dodgy knees and a sore back [from the weight] so i eat easy, convenient crap. I have bi-polar and A.D.D. Though medicated. My bad habits consume a lot of money that we dont have.
I dont take care/pride in myself half as much as i probably should.
I have 3 +* awesome kids. Rose - 17. Jason - 14 [Autistic] and DJ - almost 4. *Then there is Alix. She is 21 and chooses not to have us in her lives. She lives in another state, and has done since she was 14 [long story] She came home to give birth to DJ when she was 17. She left him here and wend back to her old life.
I want to live life, but my weight issues stop a lot of stuff. I spend time with the kids though. We go places, and i get creative in working around my ailments, such as play centres and parks etc. I'd like to go camping or exploring etc but i'm the only one interested.
I am the clutter queen! I just dont see it, but everyone else does. Our house isn't dirty, but its messy.
My husband, Johns story. He is my second husband, and dad to Jason [Though we have been together since Rose was one].
Since being together, he has slowly gained weight, untill he too is now around 400lb. He is depressed -VERY depressed. He drinks a lot too, but his drinking brings health issues. He drinks, then binges on food [bad food], then vomits violently and gets bad indigestion for ages [sometimes days]He also gets the runs and messes himself a bit. Then he goes into a shit sleep, wakes up the next day feeling a physical wreck, sits around or sleeps on the couch till he can drink again. He drinks to feel better about how he feels about himself. He works in a factory, 3-4 days a week. 12hr shifts
Our combined drinking creates problems with paying our large bills. Though he doesn't tell me he's cut into the bill money until we've drunk half of it. I'd like to blame him for that, but deep down i know we are drinking bill money.
It's a vicious cycle. We cant stop without the other, and yet we bait each other. I have tried AA meetings. But they did nothing for me.
Neither of us get mean when we drink. I think i'm funny, and john goes to sleep.
Then there is the kids. They are growing up and will soon be leaving home, one by one. I LIVE for my kids. All my other choices are based around them. I would do anything for my kids! But one of my biggest problems with John is, he doesn't spent any time with the kids and doesn't want to. He's happy to spend time with them, until he has to put effort in, or get off the couch or computer to do so. So sitting together while we have dinner, is spending time with the kids, in his eyes. Or letting them tag along when he goes to the supermarket occasionally. Never purposeful, one on one, quality time.
Then he complains that the kids are growing up so fast. I cant even put into words how much this pisses me off!
John has no passion in life. We have not been intimate at all since last July - not through lack of my trying. Things heated up for a bit, then.... nothing.. He has no interest beyond the computer or sleeping on the couch. He doesn't want to do anything or go anywhere... ever. Our house is falling apart and he has no interest in fixing it.
I just don't know how we are existing like this. Sometimes i honestly feel as though we are together because it's easier for either of us, than moving out.
Only a few short years ago, i was so in love with John. When i heard his car in the drive, my heart fluttered. His smile was like a flash of dazzle, and he made me feel like our little family was all that mattered in the world. How quickly the fairy tale fades.....
I'm a realist. I dont expect fireworks for the whole duration of a marriage. There's ups & downs, and it's even normal to not even like your partner some days.
But in order for any relationship to work, both sides have to work at it, or at least be willing. That's isnt happening here. I have even left John for a few days, to think about stuff, not knowing if i'd be back other than to get the kids. But John talked the talk and promised the right things. I came back, and he forgot everything he promised immediately. But i love John, & i'm not a quitter with people i love.
Tonight i was in the bath, and i got the idea that, God willing, I can change all this. I've always known i was the matriarch. Everyone in the family comes to me for everything. I'm the peace keeper, decision maker etc.
I feel as if God has put it on my shoulders [with His providence] to make the changes needed. This marriage can be healed, but i have to carry John, Because John can't carry himself right now.
So i got outta the bath & started this blog.
This is day one.
Tomorrow is the beginning of a new marriage.
My name is Sharron. I myself weigh over 400lbs. I am preparing to have weight loss surgery at Christmas. This weight problem has come from a regular binge drinking problem [pre mixed cans] and poor eating choices, stemming from not being able to find work [we live in a one factory town], boredom, and lack of activity due to dodgy knees and a sore back [from the weight] so i eat easy, convenient crap. I have bi-polar and A.D.D. Though medicated. My bad habits consume a lot of money that we dont have.
I dont take care/pride in myself half as much as i probably should.
I have 3 +* awesome kids. Rose - 17. Jason - 14 [Autistic] and DJ - almost 4. *Then there is Alix. She is 21 and chooses not to have us in her lives. She lives in another state, and has done since she was 14 [long story] She came home to give birth to DJ when she was 17. She left him here and wend back to her old life.
I want to live life, but my weight issues stop a lot of stuff. I spend time with the kids though. We go places, and i get creative in working around my ailments, such as play centres and parks etc. I'd like to go camping or exploring etc but i'm the only one interested.
I am the clutter queen! I just dont see it, but everyone else does. Our house isn't dirty, but its messy.
My husband, Johns story. He is my second husband, and dad to Jason [Though we have been together since Rose was one].
Since being together, he has slowly gained weight, untill he too is now around 400lb. He is depressed -VERY depressed. He drinks a lot too, but his drinking brings health issues. He drinks, then binges on food [bad food], then vomits violently and gets bad indigestion for ages [sometimes days]He also gets the runs and messes himself a bit. Then he goes into a shit sleep, wakes up the next day feeling a physical wreck, sits around or sleeps on the couch till he can drink again. He drinks to feel better about how he feels about himself. He works in a factory, 3-4 days a week. 12hr shifts
Our combined drinking creates problems with paying our large bills. Though he doesn't tell me he's cut into the bill money until we've drunk half of it. I'd like to blame him for that, but deep down i know we are drinking bill money.
It's a vicious cycle. We cant stop without the other, and yet we bait each other. I have tried AA meetings. But they did nothing for me.
Neither of us get mean when we drink. I think i'm funny, and john goes to sleep.
Then there is the kids. They are growing up and will soon be leaving home, one by one. I LIVE for my kids. All my other choices are based around them. I would do anything for my kids! But one of my biggest problems with John is, he doesn't spent any time with the kids and doesn't want to. He's happy to spend time with them, until he has to put effort in, or get off the couch or computer to do so. So sitting together while we have dinner, is spending time with the kids, in his eyes. Or letting them tag along when he goes to the supermarket occasionally. Never purposeful, one on one, quality time.
Then he complains that the kids are growing up so fast. I cant even put into words how much this pisses me off!
John has no passion in life. We have not been intimate at all since last July - not through lack of my trying. Things heated up for a bit, then.... nothing.. He has no interest beyond the computer or sleeping on the couch. He doesn't want to do anything or go anywhere... ever. Our house is falling apart and he has no interest in fixing it.
I just don't know how we are existing like this. Sometimes i honestly feel as though we are together because it's easier for either of us, than moving out.
Only a few short years ago, i was so in love with John. When i heard his car in the drive, my heart fluttered. His smile was like a flash of dazzle, and he made me feel like our little family was all that mattered in the world. How quickly the fairy tale fades.....
I'm a realist. I dont expect fireworks for the whole duration of a marriage. There's ups & downs, and it's even normal to not even like your partner some days.
But in order for any relationship to work, both sides have to work at it, or at least be willing. That's isnt happening here. I have even left John for a few days, to think about stuff, not knowing if i'd be back other than to get the kids. But John talked the talk and promised the right things. I came back, and he forgot everything he promised immediately. But i love John, & i'm not a quitter with people i love.
Tonight i was in the bath, and i got the idea that, God willing, I can change all this. I've always known i was the matriarch. Everyone in the family comes to me for everything. I'm the peace keeper, decision maker etc.
I feel as if God has put it on my shoulders [with His providence] to make the changes needed. This marriage can be healed, but i have to carry John, Because John can't carry himself right now.
So i got outta the bath & started this blog.
This is day one.
Tomorrow is the beginning of a new marriage.
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