April 14

I held Johns hand one night. I love his hands - they are like baseball mitts. I didn't realise how long it had been since i held his hand and looked at it. He's grown spots, like liver spots or something. How can it have been that long?
He noticed me looking and pulled his hand away, self consciously. It's bad when new things happen to our bodies as we get older, and the affection has been so lapse, that we don't notice, or we get embarrassed by it.

Over the weekend, i cleaned up our back porch of clutter, with the exception of a box of toys that need to be cleaned before coming back in the house. It looks lovely out there now. A nice place to sit.

Last night Jason had a friend over. There was a huge amount of washing on one lounge [where we sit during dinner] , so instead of moving it, i set up the little 2 seater table in the kitchen for a romantic candle lit dinner for John and I. He didn't even notice that i'd gone a step further with table preparation at first. Normally i might have taken offence to that. But i didn't - i let it slide - and just acted like normal when he did notice. And punched him in the bum with an "Óh you!"

Tonight he will be working night shift. I used to make his work lunches. But somewhere over time i stopped. I used to leave little lovey notes in his lunch box occasionally for him to find. He started just discarding them - as if he'd grown bored of them, and that cut me deep. I stopped writing the notes, stopped making nice lunches, then just stopped making the lunches altogether.
Today i decided to make his lunch - a nice lunch. And i'll do it regularly again.  But it will be a while before i stick another note it in.

I asked him last night if he felt his depression subsiding a bit. He said he had noticed, but it spirals. Right now it just happens to be at the top. I guess it's too early for me to take some credit for changing things.