April 25

A bit has happened since my last post. John was a little excited about having a yummy lunch made for him. That was cute.
He told us he was planning a surprise family day last weekend. I was really impressed by that! BUT we didnt do it. The plan was to take us to a river/cave area and have a BBQ lunch. But it was the Easter weekend - and in Australia, that's when people get their last camping trip in before the cold hits. I told him we'd have to leave early, to get there for a 10am brunch, just to secure a BBQ.... Then we slept in. I told him it was a super lovely idea that i appreciated [and i did/do. More than he can know!] But let's stay home rather than rush and more than likely miss out, and have a nice BBQ at home. He liked that idea... phew.

We have had the biggest argument we've ever had. He insinuated that i just sat around eating crap all day, despite the fact that i spend most days with him.. A combination of me knowing that i'm really trying to make home better for him, and moving more to feel better - hurt and anger all brewed up and i went mad. Even throwing my drink at him, something i've never done or wanted to. He back pedaled but mostly i calmed down because i told myself it didn't matter what he thinks. I know the truth of what i do/eat each day. If he doesn't notice the changes in me or my habits, i cant do anything about that.
I need my marriage to work, and i accept that it\s me making the changes as a whole. I need to focus on that and keep accepting it for now.

April 14

I held Johns hand one night. I love his hands - they are like baseball mitts. I didn't realise how long it had been since i held his hand and looked at it. He's grown spots, like liver spots or something. How can it have been that long?
He noticed me looking and pulled his hand away, self consciously. It's bad when new things happen to our bodies as we get older, and the affection has been so lapse, that we don't notice, or we get embarrassed by it.

Over the weekend, i cleaned up our back porch of clutter, with the exception of a box of toys that need to be cleaned before coming back in the house. It looks lovely out there now. A nice place to sit.

Last night Jason had a friend over. There was a huge amount of washing on one lounge [where we sit during dinner] , so instead of moving it, i set up the little 2 seater table in the kitchen for a romantic candle lit dinner for John and I. He didn't even notice that i'd gone a step further with table preparation at first. Normally i might have taken offence to that. But i didn't - i let it slide - and just acted like normal when he did notice. And punched him in the bum with an "Óh you!"

Tonight he will be working night shift. I used to make his work lunches. But somewhere over time i stopped. I used to leave little lovey notes in his lunch box occasionally for him to find. He started just discarding them - as if he'd grown bored of them, and that cut me deep. I stopped writing the notes, stopped making nice lunches, then just stopped making the lunches altogether.
Today i decided to make his lunch - a nice lunch. And i'll do it regularly again.  But it will be a while before i stick another note it in.

I asked him last night if he felt his depression subsiding a bit. He said he had noticed, but it spirals. Right now it just happens to be at the top. I guess it's too early for me to take some credit for changing things.

April 8

Today was real nice. I got stuff done - cleaning, sorting, creating, and playing. John mowed the lawn [it's a BIG lawn!] and he made burgers for dinner. He was a bit playful today. I was hanging out washing and he snuck up on me from behind, naked lol It's been a long time since he played like that. Simple, but it means a lot to me when he is playful, in anyway.

I dunno where they stopped, but John lost his manners over the years. He burps and farts, and makes a scene when he does, like its a sport. A dirty, disgusting sport. And i have to say, that has made him quite unattractive to me! I mean, i appreciate toilet humour, and a funny sounding fart is funny. But to lift your leg, and go red in the face while you force it out, possibly shart, then laugh at the stench? [even during meals] That''s not funny at all. And the boys are following suit, where they always used their manners before.
Well, since starting this blog, i've asked John to use his manners and say 'Parden me" after farting or burping. He's doing that, reluctantly. It's not so funny to cock your leg and make a scene, if you know you're expected to use your manners afterwards. He laughs as he says it. I dont know weather he's mocking or embarrassed. I dont get why its amusing to use manners. But he's using them, and thats what matters. I appreciate it a lot!
No one likes to live with a pig.

April 6

I have been sick over the past few days. All my clutter clearing? I watched it creep back. I have taught my kids well, apparently.
I can't wait to feel better and do some stuff. Although i have realised something over the time of starting this blog - i have more energy at night, so maybe i should do housework stuff after dinner. That's not very conventional, but neither am i.

John is still sick, but still working. The more he works, the longer he stays sick. It sucks.
He has been showing me affection while we watch tele. I notice, and it's nice. We have 2 couches, and i didn't realise that over time, he sits on one and i sit on the other. I used to sit next to him, and i cant remember why i moved. Maybe to be closer to the phone charger? I dunno, but in hind sight, it just created one more wedge between us. Last night i sat next to him.

Talking to my daughter about relationship stuff today, i realised something. God has told me for years that i need to do what i'm doing now [but not quite this extent], but i was proud, and chose to be a Jonah. Jonah ended up doing what he was told, and his life got better.

April 3 - Day... Dunno

John hadn't had a drink since we talked on that day about how we got like this - until last night.
Maybe he didn't realise how badly drinking effected his health until he verbalized it to me.
I have cut back. Since starting this blog, i've drank 3 nights, and 2 of them were only a few. I thought i was doing really good. But then yesterday, John had a crack at me about still drinking..... I didnt say i was going to quit, just because he was. As with any habit, you have to be in the right head space. As i pointed out to him, he quit smoking about 5-6 years after i did [maybe longer]. Because he had to be in the right place, mentally. And that was 50 a day, not 4-8 every few days. But i did agree to only drink when he's on night shift, to make it easier. That's fair.

We went to the movies and then to the park for a picnic together. That was nice. We had banter and silliness. And for a moment, it was perfect.

Then he came home and opened a letter from a solicitor, saying we were $3.000 behind on the mortgage - pay it by May or get out. I don't know how the heck it got to that far behind, but i guess that's the cost of having sand in your hair! I dunno what we are going to do. but we always pull through somehow.

I have been making a REAL attempt with the clutter. Chucking stuff, selling stuff, tidying stuff. I have a lot of stuff. Important stuff about nothing in particular. Stuff that doesn't have a place. Like spare pillows of a set, or newspaper keepsakes of 9/11, toys i know the kids will want to play with again one day, like Lego. I wish so much that i was savvy with this stuff!
I think it's an A.D.D problem too. I like textures and visual things. I find it hard to throw those things out too. In fact, i have a few things that have no use what so ever to me, but i keep them because i really enjoy how they look or feel. The thought of giving up those things isnt appealing at all, but they dont have a place.

Well we might be living under a bridge soon, so we wont have any clutter to worry about!